To No Avail

A first glance, given by chance
Or choice, since chance left long ago
Chance ran through the beach,
Into his arms
Kicking sand upon the towel
Where my camera laid to rest
Before photos were proof,
They were memories
Before I was heartbroken,
I was happy
Before I was happy, naive
And before naive, unborn
Chance left when I said, "I love you"
And he said, "Me too"
Who says that...
So first glance given by choice
The choice to pursue and not quit
The choice to love, not regret
Choices to chance, no bet
I choose you
There is more than one form of soulmate
A best friend, a girlfriend
A boyfriend, a lover
A twin soul and significant other
No matter the significance
You are it, choice
Though not exactly chosen,
More like an opportunity
Gone unwasted
Waste not, want not, want all
No less than all of you
If anyone will understand, it will be you
Twin souls, we agree
You see me better than eyes
Or even I
Even I know, this is no time for truth
But truth is all we have
Unless we count time
-It's 2am,
Here we are again
Choice, never chance
Even at first glance
I chose you
-A twin soul and significant other
No matter the significance

Civil War

I fear as though I hold no place here anymore
I am here in my room but not home
I am sleeping but not yet comfortable
I am not alone, and yet there is silence
I don't know what's changed
Maybe it was me
So I try and I question and then listen
I change
Still, I am here in this kitchen..
But not home
It cannot still be me
Maybe it is you
So we talk and we work and I listen
And I bite my tongue this time
But wait, my tongue is held by none,
Though I am still silent
I simply have nothing to say
I am not alone, and yet there is silence
So we talk and we work and I listen, again
But you aren't even here
So I listen to this silence
As I pack my heart somewhere among the boxes
I will miss you
Was I longing for you or my heart, my trust,
I am not sure
Either way,
I am not alone, and yet there is still silence

Today I am the Me brought out by You

Mirrors reflect what you haven't seen
Missing doesn't mean gone
Smiling doesn't mean happy
And happy doesn't mean whole
Lonely lips that can't seem to kiss right
Curvy lips that aren't quite missed either
Hips and a body that seem to be overlooked
Broad shoulders and strong arms that can hold so much
But little of what's held holds true meaning itself
Oh well, moving on
We are what we are
No more, certainly no less
Your attraction may be conditional
If not, mine is guaranteed to be
I am without you now
You are without me
Big picture makes no difference
If none can see it
Stupid decisions
Fueled by more
There is no end to this
Only possibility of replacements
Which get boring with time
Grow tired
Get annoyed
Expectations grow and grow
Hopefully we'll find what it is we're looking for
No stone unturned,
Every path lit up
Making as many mistakes as possible along the way
One of these days we'll wake up
Probably not soon
But we're searching

Good Morning From Within My Mind and Soul

For some reason I woke up today extremely aware of my surroundings, which leads me to feel extremely blessed. True, sometimes life leads you down a path that takes you away from where you want to be. Often this is necessary. You don't know where you would be had you not taken that path and ended up where you are now. I cannot regret any part of my life. Yes, there is room for improvement. Yes, there are still miles and miles until total happiness. Yes, I do still need to work harder. But I finally see both behind and before me. This is a road often traveled, but not often does one reach their ultimate destination. This is my statement. You have not yet seen the best of me. I am no longer afraid to show it to you. Thank you to all who have brought this before me. Those who have hurt me have only made me stronger. I wish you the best. Some are so troubled within themselves that they feel they must do unto others in ways that may hurt them, as to feel more secure about themselves.


And a special thank you to those who have been there beside me the whole time. You have watched me fall, fail to pick myself up, kick myself while I'm down and you have also seen me get off my knees, stand and cry with joy as I once again found myself. Often I lose myself to love. (Friends, relationships, family issues.) This is because there is so much within me, I cannot stand to lose it in any form. I give myself to those I care about completely. If you know me, you know this already. I will go through any troubles to help those I care about. I believe we all should. You cannot truly love another unless you love yourself. However, you cannot truly love yourself if you have never loved another, either. So once again, thank you for carrying me on the days I couldn't stand, let alone walk. Thank you for your honesty when I didn't want to take it. Thank you for allowing me to find my own way while still loving me as you watched me do wrong to myself.
For every action, there is a reaction.
You lose friendships, lovers, burn bridges and ultimately all you've done is show people how unhappy you are with yourself.


I am sorry to those who are unhappy. I do wish you could look within yourself to find the truth rather than point out your own truths in others and try to hurt them. Heal yourself. Then turn to others for support. None can fix what is broken but you. Trust me, I know.

I have spent many years blaming others, hurting others and cheating myself out of what I really want. I felt like I didn't deserve it. So if I didn't, why should you? This is unfair. This is cruel. And quite frankly, immature. Wake up, grow up, and buy a mirror. Be good to yourself. Until you do that you will never know what it means to truly love another human being of any kind, whether it be a family member, friend, or lover.

As I type all of this, I am aware that not all will read it. This does sadden me somewhat, since those that know me are aware when I have something to say, there is usually nothing more truthful. However, I do feel that those who need to read it will. Take something from it, if you don't at least take this moment to close your eyes and look around you. Think about all you have physically, mentally and emotionally. We are all blessed. Be sure to show those you care about what they truly mean to you. Not everyone does. And sadly, not everyone knows.


If you received this you know I care about you. Take it to heart.
And have a beautiful week. Have a beautiful life. You are loved.
Each and every day is up to you.


"The way you think creates the world around you" -Dexter


Sarah Mae Mills <3

Moving Forward Is Not Moving On

I have been staring
At these pages for months
Somehow it never seems
To be quite enough
I can't get rid of you
These words fall from my mouth
And straight to the ground
Fall through the page
But don't make a sound
My hand is tired of wasting
The ink I've used on you
My ears are tired of missing
The playlists I can't
Listen to, because of you
And sometimes..
I'm still not okay
But I know I've got to-
Wake up
Make it through the day
There's no way to know
If you meant what you said
So I've got to
Wish you the best
Pick up my head
And keep moving
I've got to keep moving
I've got to-
Get back up and keep going
But don't look back
Or you might crash
I feel like I've been staring
Through the windows
I walk by slowly
Waiting for a reflection to look familiar
I know I've changed
I've changed
In some ways for the better
But I can't help
But to miss you
Want to hold you
And I know that's wrong
I've gotta keep moving
Open your eyes
See the sunrise
It's a beautiful day
I'm always gonna miss you
But someday soon, I'm gonna be okay

The Beginning of The End

Silly girls repeat their actions
Begging heartbreak to follow them
From town to town
And that's exactly what I've done
You never did deserve to love me
I should have seen it coming
But I looked the other way
And let the music fill my insecurities
While you controlled the radio
And we drove up and down California
In my car, you drove my mind
As your eyes told me you loved me
Your mouth couldn't form the words
So I said it first
You acted surprised
Like you couldn't admit
What was coming then
It was the end-
If you can't tell me you love me
Baby, we've got trouble ahead
That should be the easiest thing in the world
To say to me, if you mean it
I loved you and I couldn't help
I wanted to shout it out
And that's the difference between you and me
That's the space filler you can't quite see
That holds us at a distance
I accept all of my insecurities
True, I may bleed a little
But all wounds heal
And I will grow from them
But you, no, you don't know
How to face your fears
So here you'll dwell in the past
It's not that I'm leaving you behind
Like I said before, I can't help
But be too kind
It's you who refuses to move forward
And I can't stay here anymore

Forgiven

I stood frozen
While you stared, right through me
Quiet, heavy breathing
Whirl-wind thinking
And I was spinning
But you caught me by the mouth
Swore you would protect my heart
Just before you left me standing, staring through

Twelve months, doubled
Such little time to pass
What a mistake it was
Time is always fleeting
I've given you far too much
With wasted patience,
I've been too kind
Bent over backwards,
An ending is long overdue

Still..
What a sweet taste you left on my lips
Such a hot burn you left on my skin
Keeping me close, I couldn't see it back then
Blinded by a small taste of sin
And then I begged to taste it again

Still..
Two years later,
I've loved you with all I had
You chose to take the hard road
And ignore everything I asked
Here and now, I can't regret to inform you
Your hold on me has passed on,
Dead or gone, it doesn't matter
I stand from within my own heart
And I smile

Night Vision

Kindred spirits
Twin souls
Sitting, your body faces mine
Taking my hands in yours
As I smile
Inhale. Wait.
Exhale. Wait.
Lean in closer
Feel my breath warm your lips
As your breath warms mine too
Lean in closer
Let our eyes rest
Lips like petals touch
Falling in together
Synchronized
Pure
Let our souls escape
Through our tongues
And wait
Pause here
My soul leaves through my lips
Rises above my body
To meet yours
For yours has done the same
They dance
They play
And they too share lips warm embrace
We exchange
I feel your soul within me
Mine within you
Truth. Torment. Beauty. Honesty. Fear. Love.
I see you.
Inhale. Wait.
Exhale. Wait.
We open our eyes
And share a smile, wholeheartedly
Staring at ourselves in one another
Hazy, as though in a dream
And then my eyes flutter open
And I realize it was.
Good morning and hello.
I see you.

Shed & Grow

Staring through this window
Fingers pressed against the glass
We are separate
Fog hides your face from mine
Keep your secrets
I'll keep quiet
Omission is betrayal &
Though one day you can be forgiven
Your unloyalties will not be forgotten
True, I am but a pawn
My pieces were laid out before you
An offering
You accept but choose to misuse me
Ever adoring,
I implored your imperfections
As it begins to rain,
Ice blankets the window
The room is warm
Your eyes send frost up my spine
I let my eyelids rest,
Breaking your gaze
As it begins to pour,
I can no longer see the light from which you came
True, darkness surrounds me for now
But soon the sun will revive,
Only this time, the light will be my own.

Predator or Prey

What did I do?
I haven't slept yet
I can't lay my head down
For fear that I won't wake up
Unclean powder stains my skin
I can feel dirt & disappointment
Settling in when I tell you
That I can't shower
Because I'm afraid I'll drown
When the water comes pouring down
Maybe I could get sick
To feel better, I just want
To feel better
Here I lay, wasting away
Within myself
You draw me a bath & say
Everything will be okay
But I can't feel my hands
& I can't see straight
I feel myself losing total control
I can't feel my body, no
& I can't stop shaking
Take my hand in yours, please
Help me feel I'm still alive
Right now I can't tell
I'm not sure I'm even breathing
I need to be revived
Cold water dripping down my spine
I start to cry
I've never felt so happy
To be alive
I can feel my hands
& I can see
Try to help carry me, please
Before the door closes
& I feel hopeless again
Hopeless, helpless, oh silly me
What have I done

Then Again, I Do Not Fear At All; I Smile Through It

I fear I may have lost myself temporarily
Went on a trip and forgot to come home
Swam through a sea
Lost as a fish with a five second memory
Afraid of my own reflection
Today I showed up at my own doorstep
And did not recognize the girl before me
The entire time I thought I was grasping for help
Untrue
I was calling for myself
To offer my own hands,
To raise me to my own two feet
And while the journey was important, none of that matters
Because today I came home
And I really missed myself.

Welcome to Wonderland; Population- Unknown

Silly girl fell down the rabbit hole
Chased by a heart she couldn't quite hold
Bring forth your story that no one had told
Don't lie, kind heart; remember yourself
Be cruel not to me, nor to those you have shelved
Books have no room upon their own home
For this love I have pushed down the well waits there, alone
Drenched with hope and dissatisfaction
Forgive me, for I have been saved and lost
All by one who kissed my forehead every chance he got
I can never forget, no matter how bad the fall skinned my knee
Little Alice forgot, love isn't just make believe

You Be The Cat, I'll Be The Mouse

Cat got your tongue, silly girl?
Not a chance
Words flow forth like a plague
Nothing to keep my mind from spilling out
Caught only by the attention we trade
Thoughts nearly drip to the floor
Laying along side my jaw
Oh how you tempt me
Tease with a grin
Tell me your secrets so I might learn to sin
Sin properly
Educated as I am,
There is so much left to absorb
Ignore the lesson and remember to play
Cat got your tongue, my dear friend?
You who are deep, bold and oh so inviting?
Not a chance.
Separate from sin, we learn
Taught by laughter, a smile and an understanding meant for two
Cat caught a tongue, young loves?
Not one, and never two alone
Together, a new experience
We take it as it's ripe, never a moment too late
Nor a moment too soon
So we wait
Cat got your tongue?

Poetic Tragedy

Perfect love
Within fear of love
Cannot exist
Close your eyes
Fall into each
And every perfect kiss
Hold none back
Take a hand
Hold your heart forward
As an offering
Take my heart
Keep it safe
I'll keep yours
Forever far from harm
Love it as my own, and more
Promise to care
Promise to try
Should we give up
Please remain kind
I will love you forever
Even when I feel
That I no longer can
That is perfect love
Soaked in all its imperfections.

Oblivion.

I don’t think words will ever be strong enough
To describe the way I felt
The closest I can come is
That it was like,
The deepest ocean pulled me in and carried me to the sun,
Placed me in a raincloud
And let me fall
All over greenest forest you’ve ever seen
Then I grew within every flower to bloom,
Only to fall within the earth and rest,
Waiting for the next rain
While I wait, birds sing for me
Beckoning your voice
Enchanting us, together
Into a world neither of us knew existed
We fell together
Beneath the soil,
Beneath the gardens,
Beneath the ocean who carried me once before
Our bodies became one
And our souls intertwined with the billions of stars
Blanketing us
Your lips
My lips
Two hearts, now one
That’s what loving you was like.

The Seventh Sin

Countless syllables
Fall from my lips
Few understand all the pieces
Holding me together
Read it through script
Words falling through one page
Down, caught by another
Hopelessly romanticized
Tragically poetic
Pathetic-
Let your eyes follow
The graze of my hand
Passing yours
The pull of my smile
Begging a glance
Meet your eyes with mine
Chance was lost long ago
Steady conversations
Replacing raw & human intuition- emotion
Our lips should meet
Your arms and my waist
My hands and your hair
Kindred spirits?
Twin souls
Make for one fiery combination of bodies
At first touch
And each and every time thereafter
Skin hot with skin
Our electricity could light city streets
The curve of my neck, taunting
Inviting the warmth of your mouth
The visible flesh of my hips
Swaying
Taunting, always inviting
Please, come say hello.

Indecision

It's so cliche to feel a warm breeze
On a rainy day
Looking to the sky
Eyes, filled with grey
Time to live through another...
With hands shaking
And legs stiff
Finally, I feel alive
I'll let my words go, falling up
And let my voice fly too
Finally, I am alive
Easily forgotten,
I lost myself
Became someone else, temporary
Insanity
Not even I, could see the signs
Passing slowly by
Warnings from above and below
On every side
Left behind in a crowd of strangers I've known for years
Not even they could...
Still, the sun will shine
Through pouring rain
Open your eyes, invite the pain of healing
Eyes filled with grey and
I'll look to the sky
Suddenly I feel alive again
With curtains drawn closed
Vines grabbing hold
I lay in silence
Walls crumble into earth
Inviting trees
And nature finds me
Not. A. Thought. To. Be. Heard.
Not much left to recognize
And on my knees, I beg
I can remember how to stand
I remembered the first time
Now release me from your grip
But don't tell a soul
It's too hard to admit
That I was here
That I was real and was promised everything
Deny, deny, deny me of myself
The sun can shine through
Pouring rain will continue
And eyes to the sky, I invite pain
Filled with grey I feel the healing
And I won't forget again
Temporary
Insanity
I'm alive
Repetition- saves your soul
Don't let your fear of disappointment
Keep you from the sky
Though it pains to believe wholeheartedly
It kills more to love with half your heart

Scrapbooks.

With a clear mind and a soft voice
I'll recall the words I never thought I'd say at all
There was something about the way
You'd take my hand
Almost felt like I was praying never to let go
I remember nights I would scream
At the height of my lungs
& cry your name & pray again
You would appear before me
Then everything would be okay
The way I would close my eyes
& pretend your lips are what found mine
The only thing to find them
Was the salt from my eyes
But you found me then
Not even I knew I was lost
You brought me to a place where
I could stand before a mirror and face myself
I know I can be harsh
& sometimes cruel
But so can you
We've always balanced each other out that way
Now I know it was unfair
To claim to you, of all people
You didn't care enough
Now I see-
You cared too much
Insecurities will eat you alive
Just another thing for you
Keep in mind
Don't mind if I address you directly
I loved the way said
You'd always miss and love me
So, here I wait
Always in pieces
Most of which I'll never get back
But I'm at peace with you
Hopefully, I believe, you're at peace with me
I'll admit, I just wanted you
To try a little harder
Well, closing the pages for now
I recall-
Everything I never thought I'd say at all
I have loved
More than the sun
And moon
Is to Love
I still do
What does that mean to you?

This Is What They Mean When They Say Forever

Your voice was hanging on the wind
With a whisper on my skin
You told me to kiss you and I did
That's when it started again
Cool air finds its way up my shirt
Intertwined with your hand
On the small of my back
We go for a walk, city lights-blinding
But I can't take my eyes off you
So I knew what to do
I let myself find a little crush on you- like the first time
One last night & one more day
To say everything we've wanted to say
In the last two years
I watch you sleep and I wonder what life would be
If you chose me, back in the very beginning
You watch me sleep and you wonder what life would be
If I chose you, back in the very beginning
It's now morning at the beach, did you
Just wrap your arms around me, kiss my cheek?
I couldn't help but think there's no where else I'd rather be
Dreams can't just be for.. We'll wait and see
Dinner before goodbye-
One last kiss to settle my eyes
Hold back the tears & let my heart fly
For the first time in years
What. Have. We.. Gotten ourselves into here?
Hours to drive home. Days to pass slowly.
Weeks to fly by until suddenly you're with me
For the fourth time this year
Phone calls and video have kept us close
But here you are, eyes on me
Hands in hair, your lips find mine
I give thanks to everything you give to me
Every glance and smirk you send my way
The way you smile at me
Like I'm the brightest sun you've ever seen
You can't look away.. No
I can't look away either
Staring like the ocean, waiting every night for the sun to rise again
So we did the unthinkable-
I fell in.. Love with you
& you fell in love with me
That would be- How everything fell apart
It's too hard to love who you can't see
It's too hard trust who you can't be with
Isn't that what you said?
You long to sleep next to me, feel me breathe
Kiss me in my dreams
You made me fall for you
You did, you made me fall
You needed me
Needed me to say it too
So you wouldn't need me anymore
And left here, I still do

Now I'm waiting on a letter I'll never see
Waiting on a call I'll never get
Waiting for the words I'll never hear from you
Part of me, says I'm pathetic
It couldn't be worth it
What would I know about love like this
And then all the little pieces, strewn across the floor
Scream at me in whispers
Who could know better?
This is what they call,
Heartbroken

A Secret To Be Shared

Each line and verse, still about you
After all this time
How can so much be left unsaid
In the hours in all the days of the months
We passed by
It should've been years
I needed years to be with you
Should've been
The way I fell
I hit the ground, ferociously
Furious, furious and furiouser still
The way I fell for you
The way I crashed and the burn
That was left in my chest
Still aching from time to time
I feel a breeze and think of the way
My skin would warm and cool all at once
With the touch of your fingertips
Pressed on me, ever so lightly
I'll feel the rain and suddenly your laugh warms me
Smiling, you're so much brighter than any sun I've ever seen
Your eyes would pierce me as ice
Pushing through my veins in the deepest way
I still feel the shiver
-Every once in a while
I fool myself and say I'm moving on just fine
I'm healing and my heart is growing
To damn near full capacity
But, I'm a liar
Still aching, still feeling
You whisper, breath
Tickle my skin while I sleep
I hear you. I hear you.
While I drive, whilst I wait
As I sit I hear your voice
Singing, sweetly the words I wrote
Once upon a time when I
Could still speak to you
And I sang to you,
Words from the deepest place in my soul
So much further down, within a heart
Closer than I ever thought I'd know
So because I can't say the words to you
I can't find the courage to be refused
I write each line and verse
I repeat my words
I can find the courage
To tempt my ink again
Written are the words I can't say out loud
But sing louder, in a whisper
Sometimes.. I miss you
I do, I hear you..

The sun feels dim when your eyes find mine. If only a wish could steal away time.

The Battle.

Here I stand
Body aching
Lips trembling
Palms sweating
Tired, sick, lonely
Withering
And you stand
Eyes shifting
Fists clenching
Ever the untrusting
Fearful, lonely, tired
My flag has raised
Yours envelopes me
Choking with only
The softest of fingertips
A kiss upon my hand
A wrap around my wrist
I am... Struggling
I struggle to walk
Struggle to stay
You struggle to grasp
Stuggle to give
We struggle to let go
Soon, I will fall
Only moments
Before my body
Becomes one with earth
I will fly
And you will wish you kissed my lips
So you might be able to fly too

Peace is of you. Pieces of me.

You don't know pain
Until you know love
I didn't know love
Until I knew you
Now I am love
It emanates from within every piece of me
And without you,
I'm in pieces 
Miles and resistance can distance 
The physical and create a barrier
But love and trust can bring us
And our hearts back home again
And tear down the wall
That builds itself while we sleep apart
I lay with my head
Buried in the pillow
Pretending you're here with me
I can almost hear your breathe
I will hold my head up for you
And count the days until your lips will
Find mine here, 
Waiting
So patiently
Every day feels longer than the last
It's only 10am and I'm ready for sleep again
I've been up since 6 
Done damn near everything I have to do today
To keep myself from missing you
But every minute is an hour
I'm feeling a little left behind
The whole world can move on
Moving forward in time
But I'm left to all of my thoughts that you take
This is over and I'm feeling a little alone
But I never knew love before you
I never knew pain before this
I'm well acquainted with both
Now is here and I'm okay with it
So long as at the end of each day
I'm still on your mind
I'm still in your heart
And I can be love for you too
It emanates from within every piece of me
And without you,
I'm in pieces 
How are you?

Last Train Before Sunset

You are my muse
Every goodbye kiss
Is one that I won't miss
We shouldn't have to say goodbye
So many times
I'll hold you here until
They pry you loose
And memorize your face until
My very last day
My words are just thoughts
I can't keep to myself
Still, I need you in a way
That makes angels miss the sky
And I don't know how to say this
The curve of your body, pressed
Against mine
--Your lips begging

-I will hold this
Forever in time
We could lay for days
Feeding off only the emotions
Of one another
Still, I have to leave
And you have to leave me
As you go
Remember me always
For I will remember this
I've never been so honest
And I feel a change in me
With every shade and hue
Falling on the surface
Of this earth
I feel a ray of light
Reaching out to me
I can't help but feel it's you
It was passing so slowly
So where did the time go
Where did our lives go
It's hard to feel awake without you
was i living?
can I smile without you
 I will keep a smile for the both of us
I will remember this for always
Hold my kiss and watch the sun fade

This was never meant to have an ending
Your last train is only our beginning...-

Love? Surecould.

Such a simple mourning
Sun rising in the dawn
The night falls into nothing
Beneath the rising hue
Raindrops wash away
Every painted moon
A rush of freezing air
Upon sun-kissed colored skin
Kiss with every morning
Until sun falls once again

A flash across the sky
Burning deep beneath my eyes
A breath upon my neck
Caress beneath my lips
So tender, warm and tainted
Hypnotize while starry skies
Rock back and forth in ships
Oceans distance everything
But hearts can travel far
Until the words can find me
And time will hold its place
Painted moons wont wash away
And every gold will stay
My heart will follow with you
With every rise and set

Summers pass at speed of sweat
Guard love again with walls
Winter comes, stealing light
Begging darkness fall
Every kiss and word
My heart will glow, just then
And every hand placed on my skin
Revives the sun again

Paint your love upon me
None shall wash away
Moons will pass and sun will fade
Love grows with every dawn-
Hope with every day
Forget me nots are wilting
Vines release their hold
Thorns soften down to roots
Each orchid left will bloom
Nothing much is left alive-
Few are left to dew
A single tear of sadness
For those whom did not last
Waterfalls of joy
Because I am left
With you