I would have given you everything I had and I probably would have promised what I didn't know I had to give. If only you would have stayed to accept. I would have cried for no reason, in your arms. I would have laughed alongside your faults; because I'm sure, to me, they would have been invisible. I would have asked you to hold me through the nightmares; now I don't know how to let anyone else. I would have smiled at you to remind you of the little things, the important things, when I knew you were hurting.
So I gave him all of my love instead. He gave me help, he gave me kindness and I expected him to make up for your mistakes. Well, maybe I didn't expect it. That doesn't mean he didn't try to anyway. He told me that I am beautiful. He told me I am worth it. He told me how strong I am and how proud he is of my ability to continue to love. I have never loved another more than him. Yet, I have always thought of you.
Why is it that I can stand and listen to all the beauty this kind and heroic man has told me, but I still trust only in your silence?
He who has loved me through breaks, bruises and tears.
You who have remained, not only silent, but also absent.
After all of this time, I still look to you for confirmation. I still look to you to define me.
Since I began this journey I have grown out of so many shells and shed so many layers of dishonesty and insecurity. I am someone entirely new. Yet, I still think of you. You who chose a life without me.
I have always loved him, but for a short time I did take him for granted. He who always loved me first.
Your first words when we spoke today were, "It's been awhile. I miss you; I love you."
It hasn't been "awhile", Mom. It's been a lifetime. Maybe you've suffered without me. Dad and I have definitely suffered together and separately, but never apart.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
